Advice For Men, Part One: The Curse Of the Hottie
I've known many men over the years who land a hottie; not just as a conquest, but as a spouse. They spend years learning to attract the kind of woman that every man wants; and then spend all of their time with her fretting that every man wants her.
Fellas, that's no way to live! First off, the obsessive thought pattern often materializes the thing you most fear.
The solution is simple (in theory, anyway) — the same behavior that attracted her needs to continue long after you've got her; actually, for the rest of your time together. More on that, presently.
But first, my qualifications . . .
Who is Greg Silva?
I'm a straight guy in the performing arts. It's a world populated mostly by women and gay men. Because there are so few straight guys, women tend to drop their guard and confide in the group. And the one complaint I've most often heard from scores of women over the last 30 years is that their spouses disapprove of their lives in the performing arts.
Apparently, these husbands think that show business is a 24-hour party. Yes, those of us who are unbridled by family responsibilities often go out after classes, rehearsals and performances. But the married people rarely join us without their spouses.
When we're working, we're working! There's no time for hanky panky. And if there were, there are always enough cock blocking queens around (including the lesbians) to prevent many collisions.
One caveat concerning my advice to married men — I've never been married. I have, however, been in several long-term relationships with a variety of female personality types. And I've worked as a dating coach (coaching both men and women) for one of the world's preeminent relationship teachers.
My take on this issue is from the perspective of the guy with whom married men often think their wives are carrying on. And I can tell you, guys, from years of experience, that 99 times out of 100, the problem (and the solution) is in the mind of the husband. People in the performing arts frown on marital infidelity just as much as any other segment of society. (By the way, the other 1% of the time, I just say no!)
The Curse of the Hottie
I'm around gorgeous models and actresses all the time. And the vast majority of them are not sluts. They don't have to be. Yet, time and again I've seen these ladies' marriages crumble because their husbands became impossibly controlling and possessive.
Here are a few typical scenarios. The husband gives his wife the silent treatment when she gets home from a class, rehearsal, or performance. Or worse, he asks her a million questions and finds multiple ways of berating everyone involved. He either refuses to come to the performance; or he shows up drunk and picks a fight with one of the male performers, hurling, along with fists, homophobic insults.
These women are left wondering what happened to the fun, confident man that they married. I've heard a hundred different variations of "He didn't used to be this way!"
Gentlemen, I know what it's like to be with a hot woman who's out of control. I know what it's like to be driven bananas by jealousy. The supreme lesson from my own heartache over beautiful bad girls is that no amount of fretting on my part could stop them from sleeping around.
How to Break the Curse
- Which ones we choose to spend our time with
- How we react to them
And that brings me back to the solution. If you're married to the kind of woman that other women envy and other men want, then, chances are, out of all the men she could have chosen, she chose you for very good reasons.
If you are in a position now where it feels like she's slipping away and you worry that she might have an affair, start by asking yourself what it was you did to win her, in the first place. Most likely it had to do with how you made her feel. She felt secure and adored.
There is a common misconception, promulgated by cynics, that women are all about money. More accurately, women are genetically drawn to men with the resources (or potential) to support a family. And these include emotional resources.
1. Keep Your Sense of Humor
Music and comedy are probably the two most important resources in any man's romantic arsenal. Your wife probably would not have married you if she didn't approve of your music collection. And she probably wouldn't have said "I do" if you didn't make her laugh on a regular basis.
The reason women are drawn to guys with a strong sense of humor is that it denotes confidence and strength. The ability to inspire laughter is, in some ways, more powerful than money. Given the choice between a rich, cranky bastard and an entertaining gentleman of modest means, most women, including bimbos, will marry the latter. A rich man with bad people skills is Citizen Kane. Whereas, a man who retains his confidence and sense of humor through good times and bad is Rhett Butler.
2. Don't Hate Her Because She's Beautiful . . . to Other Men!
How does a man retain his confidence and sense of humor when he's racked by fear and jealousy? After all, even Rhett Butler got drunk and belligerent when he thought his marriage was in jeopardy.
My suggestion is to start by stopping. Stop punishing her for being desirable to other men. Let her have male friends. Haven't you ever had female friends that you didn't sleep with?
Your answer to that question may very well be, "None that I didn't try to sleep with!" That's okay. My point here is that it's completely normal and healthy for men and women, both, to feel gut-level attraction for varieties of people every day of their lives. No amount of jealousy and punishment on your part will ever change that dynamic.
If you have a hot wife, then most of the men that she encounters every day of her life will feel attracted to her. Some will flirt with her, sometimes right in front of you. Because she's human, she, too, will find herself attracted to other men and, perhaps, women.
3. Pass the Test!
Hot women are notorious for this. They know that they're hot. Even after (or especially after) being married to the same guy for years, they still enjoy the ego boost of being desirable to others; just as you might enjoy being desired by other hot women.
Looking at hot women is like looking into the sun; it sometimes blinds us to selfish little girls who never grew up.
We are human animals, after all; a combination of instinct and intellect. As animals, both men and women are driven by impulses to mate with a buffet of genetic potential. As humans, however, we have the power to overrule those instincts. Our intellects most often tell us that it's better for all concerned — there will be less pain and greater rewards — if we honor our commitments.
Women are hardwired to test men for their womb-worthiness; just as we are hardwired to get them naked as soon as possible. If you keep your cool — perhaps you find her little challenges slightly annoying, but mostly cute — then you pass the test. If, on the other hand, you become hysterical, you fail the test.
Think back to when you were dating her. Did she always return your phone calls? Probably not. Did she sometimes flirt with other men in your presence? She probably did.
A little jealousy on your part back then was probably a good thing. It demonstrated your desire for her and it probably triggered her arousal mechanism. But if you had gotten insanely jealous and possessive, she most likely would have gone out the back door of the bar.
4. Keep Dating Her!
I'm not talking here about roses and anniversaries. I'm talking about the daily power struggle that started the moment you met your bride to be. How did you treat her when you were dating? Chances are, you showed just the right amounts of ambivalence and adoration.
This is a potent combination for just about any woman. It's a fine mixture — unique to every successful relationship — of Devil-May-Care with Knight-In-Shining-Armor. In simple terms, you wanted her; but you didn't need her.
Here's what probably happened when she fell for you. She saw you as a man that exuded power and influence over his peers, as well as the ability to come to her rescue when she felt threatened by outside forces. She recognized the potential for years of adventure by attaching herself to you. She was drawn to your vision — and to the possibility of contributing to that vision — because you were the master of an exciting universe.
The problem with habitual jealousy is that it displays weakness, which is Kryptonite to female arousal. Many men cripple themselves (and ultimately destroy good relationships) by deriving most of their self-esteem and well-being from their status as the husband of a hot wife. The way out of this cauldron of fear is to follow your bliss, regardless of who your wife is and what she does.
5. Pursue Your Mission!
What is your passion? This may or may not be the same as your job. What turns you on, besides sex? What activities make you forget about time?
If you don't already know the answers to these questions, dig deeply into your past. There must have been times in your life when you were so absorbed by the pleasure of certain activities that hours went by unnoticed and you were forced to call it a day only because of other time constraints, or because you couldn't physically go on without food and rest. You displayed great skill and enthusiasm while engaged in these activities. Others were impressed by your unique abilities.
These are clues as to your God-given purpose in life — what Dr. Paul calls your mission. It might be sports or business or science or music or philosophy or travel. You might have strayed from exercising these talents because of the demands of daily existence.
Ideally, as men, we find ways of making a living through our missions. But that isn't always possible. Regardless, we must continue to pursue these tasks or else we die spiritually. And our attractiveness to our women (to the right women) dies, as well.
Likewise, ideally, we marry women who are passionate about our passions. But looking at hot women is like looking into the sun; it sometimes blinds us to selfish little girls who never grew up. These types don't give a damn about our missions. They only care that we make enough money to sponsor their hedonism. These women are poison!
Assuming you married wisely, then congratulations! You have the best of both worlds — a hot woman who inspires you to be a better man; not just because she gives you good lovin', but because she believes in you.
Use these 5 tools, then, to break The Curse of the Hottie . . .
- Keep Your Sense of Humor
- Don't Hate Her Because She's Beautiful . . . to Other Men
- Pass the Test
- Keep Dating Her
- Pursue Your Mission